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| hello again.
its been nearly 3 months since i wrote. wow.
i am officially working in riverhead. its a really cool job. its always changing; never the same day twice. on a side job i work as a pirate for birthday parties for little kids. that too is fun.
ryan just got married last week which was really cool. he asked me to be best man (of course i said yes) so we went fishing with another of our friends and then had the wedding. it was a blast. everythign feels so much different now. we're all growing up.
its strange hearing everyone talk about going back to school knowing im not. i feel left out. i almsot want to go back. almost. im glad to be moving on from it though. real world ministry is alot different than what i was taught. i guess that's the joy of living east coast.
this is random and rambled. i dont feel like writing. i'll try again another day.
goodnight
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| SO time for a real update.
I finally graduated college. i am an alumni of Cincinnati Christian University with an Associate Degree of Biblical Studies. great. actually it is a relief. i am tired of being in school and i no longer have to go back unless it's something i truly desire. i didn't make a 3.0 though which frustrates me. i know i could have done better. i could have actually put forth effort.
i was concerned what kind of job that degree wold get me. i figured i would never use it. here i am though sitting in Riverhead New York (Long Island) visiting a church tomorrow that i might be interning at. this came out of nowhere. i know all along ive said i never want ot work in a church but this might actually be good for me. it will be a growing experience if i do get it regardless of whether i like it or not. either i will reaffirm my drive to never again work in a church or i will chance my stance.
i am officially dating Missy now. it's nice. really nice. she smart, sweet, and fun. i hope i don't mess this one up. and the greatest thing my friends like her. my mom likes her! wow! it's exciting. not to say my mom has never liked the other people, she just never liked them with me. there is a lot of promise with this.
Speaking of friend sliking her, two of them. Paul and Heather. came up for graduation which was a pleasant surprise. we talked about it in the past and i didnt think it would actually happen but it did. they came friday night and they with Missy and i hung out. for the first tiem she saw me in my east coast element though we were still in Ohio. it was cool.
Speaking of other friends; it's weird not being at school surrounded by all teh guys. it's a bit empty without them. i've adjusted to it already, but every now and then school comes back. it seems so long ago. yet it's only been a bit less than 3 weeks. life is moving too fast.
ryan too. he's out in colorado and its strange not seeing him at home. its not as simple as going down the hill to his house. hes gettin hitched. wow. life is moving fast. i really hope i can see him in CO before teh wedding.
oh and there is this baby. the freakin cutest baby in the entire world. i love my little cousin. she lives with us and though she can be a handful she is adorable as all getout.
i guess that's all i got for now. if i remember anyhtign i'll edit it in.
kthnxbai
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| so i made a myspace. its a musical outlet. if you want
Myspace.com/mannygoneacoustic
yup. there it is.
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| i don't know anymore. there is too much going on. i want to go away from it all and let it straighten itself out. i need to learn Patience yet i don't want to. i know what i want but i know what i need. i know how i feel but i don't know how to act.
so theres this girl and i'm happy with her. i cant explain it. i can smile. i dont doubt her or anything she says. i believe its all real yet i dont know if its right. is it too soon? theres too much complication and bullshit. none of it fits together yet i am happy when i am in the middle of it. i am comforted. she comforts it. Fuck! can things ever go smooth? life has been good lately. i hoped it might stay this way for at least a little while. it's been so long. now it feels as if everything is falling apart again.
i hate my job. i am miserable when i am there.
i thought my faith was doing better. i thought i was becoming a decent person again. i have failed myself. i have let myself become everything i never wanted to be
i graduate in a month. less than a month. then i go home. i leave everything i have known for the last three years behind. all my friends. my home. my new family.
i am thinking about moving back to Cincinnati. i really want to. the isnt where will i live. it isnt what i'll do for a job. that can all be figured out. my question is; How do i tell my mom? I know for a fact she will die inside. she has every right to. i am her only child. i am what she has lived for. but i have to move on. she has to let go. i feel bad for teh way i have been to her. i havent appreciated her. i havent been the golden son she thinks i am. it tears me apart inside.
damnit. i wish i could do it all again. i wouldnt do much of anything differently. it has shaped who i am. but i would appreciate. i would try harder at what i failed it. i would make something out of myself.
it feels like shit tonight. it must be that time of year again. it keeps comming later and later. i know its there but i dont do anything about it. am i coward? maybe? am i afraid? yes. i dont knwo of what, but i am as a child inside. no im not suicidal. no i dont have issues that put me in jeopardy. i have no ill intentions. i am sad. just sad. empty and alone. i find fills but there are holes in me. everythign comes out of it. i dont knwo why the fuck i am confessing this in an online journal. riddle me this. fuck me that. maybes it safe here in the eyes of the world. do peopel even read these things? oh well. fuck it.
i was given Sixx A.M.'s Heroin Diaries today. by Her. such a good album. it makes me feel human. it makes the hurt not so bad. it oculd be so much worse. i dont knwo if it is musically that great or not, but it is a piece of art. it has so much emotion in it.
so i bring this to a close. maybe i'll write again here? maybe i wont. i dont know. peace be with you. pray for me. and i you; the unknown. goodnight.
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| i need a vacation. too much fucking drama and shit. ugh. thankfully life has Metal.
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